Some Perspective Help from Marcus Aurelius

“Remember how long you have been putting off these things, and how many time the gods have given you days of grace, and yet you do not use them. Now is it high time to perceive,the kind of Universe whereof you are a part and the nature of the governor of the Universe from whom you subsist as effluence, and that the term of your time is circumscribed, and that unless you use it to attain calm of mind, time will be gone and you will be gone and the opportunity to use it will not be yours again.” ~Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

In other words: Your time on this earth is short and you only have one shot to work on whatever it is you need to work on. Get to it.

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Mommyhood

The question posed by Salon’s headline: Is motherhood causing my depression?

It seems like a blaming, buck-passing kind of headline. “My kids are exhausting. My kids are needy. My kids are demanding. They are ruining my life.” But the author, Kim Brooks, brings up some things that we just don’t like to talk about when it comes to Mommyhood or Daddyhood. Sure, we all know parenting is hard…but for those without children and for early parents (those who have just had a child) I think “parenting is hard” gets misinterpreted.

Yes, changing diapers is unpleasant. It’s not hard.
Yes, having to feed a baby every few hours is inconvenient. It’s not hard.
Yes, screaming and whining is irritating. But that’s not the hard part.

Those are the physical parts (and that’s just the first couple years), which can be quite demanding. However, in my opinion, the hard parts are the emotional roller coasters you go through. I think even the best parents have moments — brief or long — where they feel things like guilt, resentment, jealousy, anger, frustration, uselessness, boredom.

Here are some things Brooks brings up in her article:

You have emotions you can’t even pinpoint: 

“All day, going about my stay-at-home mom business, I cried. I cried while asking my kids if they wanted their morning bagels with cream cheese or peanut butter. I cried while driving them to school. I cried at the coffee shop where I go to write and in the dried foods aisle of Trader Joe’s. There was no sobbing, no blubbering or nose blowing, just a stream of tears stopping and starting all day long without any real cause.“


I don’t know whether this indicates depression or not, I’m not a psychologist and whatever emotional distresses Brooks feels, she’s discussed with her a professional. 

However, I am a mommy, and I know that sometimes you just want to freakin’ cry. You can list all of the reasons: the very real threat of exhaustion from sleep deprivation, the pile of laundry, the whining that is still ringing in your ears. But, the fact is, those reasons could be miles and miles away. You could be driving along after dropping your first grader off at school, the sun is shining, birds are singing, your favorite song is on the radio, you don’t have anything pressing to do today and BAM! suddenly you’re sobbing like your best friend just died. 

This doesn’t necessarily mean you need medication. Or that you’re a bad parent. It may mean you just need to cry.

Lack of intellectual stimulation:

“My friend Megan, who quit her job when her first child was born, wrote to me in an email that, ‘After a few months at home with Penelope, I began to get depressed — sleeping too much, drinking too much, watching endless, mindless hours of brainless television. This low-level depression continued through the birth of my second daughter, and it began to escalate when I was home with two kids.'”

Probably the biggest things that no one tells new mommies and daddies is that you will be BORED OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVING MIND. 

Children-free adults swear up and down that, if they had children, they would never let them watch the likes of Barney, or Elmo, or insert name of annoying television show character. Any time I hear this I want to laugh at the clueless children-free adults and say “Bitch, please.” Because, the fact is, Elmo and Sesame Street have done a fine job teaching my kids the alphabet. Barney does a great job showing the kiddos how to use their imagination.

However, I have known the alphabet for a verrrrrry long time. I have known how to count to 100 for at least a couple decades now. I have cut and pasted for years. All of these little artsy-craftsy things I have mastered. 

So, while my kids are wonderfully stimulated, with their little brains firing all kinds of creative waves, I am trying not to run out the door to find the closest lecture on Kant’s philosophies. Or an R-rated movie. Until the kids get older, it’s really really really hard not feel like your brain — which you may have educated with advanced degrees and/or job experiences — is turning into some kind of gelatinous mush.    

Your options change:
“Another friend, Ann, who has a son with a disability, said that for her, the depression had less to do with day-to-day strain and more to do with acknowledging that certain things in her life weren’t ever going to be the way she wanted them to be, that the possibilities of what lay ahead had suddenly gotten much smaller.”

Now, I won’t say that your options go away. Careers and goals are always still viable, no matter what the rest of the world might say. But it gets a lot fucking harder. Time and money are both in shorter supply than without children. 

I didn’t have a degree when I had my son. I didn’t have a degree when I had my daughter. It took me ten years from the start of my college career to the end. But I do have a degree. I took fewer classes at a time because I had to work around my kids’ schedules.  

However, money is very tight. We went on our first family vacation in June. It was just to Las Vegas, which is only a few hundred miles away, and we stayed with family. Even with help from my mother-in-law, we only had five dollars left by the time we got home — and we really only paid to feed our family and gas. We had to wait three days before pay day. So, trips to Europe (which I would dearly love to see) are presently out of the question. 

So, for everything you want to do, you have to double the money and time to get there. And it’s hard not to imagine how much time and money you would have if you weren’t paying for school lunches or extra clothing. There can be some resentment when you have to choose between new underwear for your kid and a new bra for you. Then you feel guilty because you felt resentful for half a second. This is not a mood-disorder. This is life. 

The highlight reels are in-your-face nowadays:   
“And a third friend, Gallaudet, who has two school-age sons, wondered if all these insecurities aren’t societally driven. …. ‘If I were to judge my friends’ parenting by Facebook and blog posts, I’d assume their lives were sunshine and organic flowers all the freaking time. When I actually talk to my friends, honestly, I feel much better and less anxious and stressed, because the same shit goes down in every household.  But because so much of what I see and hear is prepackaged — marketed, in a sense — I can quickly forget not to judge my own family’s insides based on other people’s families’ outsides.'”

If you flip to any parent on your Facebook page (even mine) you will see “the highlight” reel. These are photographs and posts about how wonderful little Johnny or Susie did in school, or how cute they were. The mommy pictures are only updated when Mommy is wearing make-up and has her hair done. 

Basically, this is all bullshit that we feed one another. Currently, I am not wearing make-up. My hair is in this scraggly ponytail. I am in sweats and a bright, god-awful yellow t-shirt. (It’s workout gear, really.) (See? I couldn’t even let my description go without an explanation…that’s how strong the impulse is to be seen in a good light.) I’m not perfect, but I sure as hell want to be seen as-close-as-possible-to perfect.

But, let’s say, I’m having one of those “crying for no goddamn reason” days and flip to my friends’ Facebook pages. 

Look! L has made a spiffy pile of pancakes for her kindergartner! C has already run 15 miles and it’s not even 7:00a.m.! D has just enrolled her son in martial arts and swimming lessons! M has knitted scarves for all eight of her kiddos and baked cookies while losing twenty pounds!

Let me tell you, that is a recipe for a downer day. But L, C, D, and M are all hiding the fact they’re wearing sweats and god-awful yellow t-shirts behind the blue camouflage that is Facebook. However, we don’t get to see their struggles and, therefore, we feel like we must be alone.    

But we’re not. Parenting is tough. Every parent waiting outside the school to pick up their kid is going through a similar battle. So freakin’ smile at one another, and don’t judge the mommy who is picking up her kid while wearing sweats and a yellow t-shirt.  



jenny maloney4 Comments

Reading Harry Potter to the Kiddos; or, I Love J.K. Rowling

This Saturday, I’ll be joining a group of talented and beautiful actors at the Pikes Peak Library District’s Briargate Branch for an all-day reading of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. In preparation for my parts (I’ll be reading Uncle Vernon, the Gringott goblins, and Draco Malfoy, just to name a few — and, yes, I do wonder: “What about me screams: Male Jerk?” But that’s neither here nor there) I’ve been reading through Sorcerer’s Stone again. That makes about the thirtieth time I’ve read it. Give or take.

And, I will state, yet again, that J.K. Rowling is my hero.

As I go through the lines, I’m just caught by the evil attitudes of the Dursleys (to whom I’m paying very close attention), the fairy tale-ish melody of the language, and just the wit that weaves throughout. It’s thrilling to read this stuff out loud. Even in my somewhat Winston Churchill-ish Mr. Dursley voice.

Plus, I’m so excited about the reading format. I’ve been to endless readings where the author stands there, behind a podium, with his/her face half hidden by a microphone, and reads. Some authors are quite good. Others…well…less so? Shall we say? It can get kind of boring. So to hear local actors interpret these words will be very exciting. At least for me. I hope for the kiddos too.

Having finished a rough draft of a middle grade novel, I’m personally interested in seeing the kids’ faces as we read. Are they all readers? Have they only seen the movies? What does this audience like?  Funny accents? Enthusiastic movement? I’m dying to see what works and what doesn’t while reading/performing for that toughest of audiences: the children. I’ll keep you posted.

And, if you happen to be in Colorado Springs, here’s the info if you want to come see Harry Potter and Sorcerer’s Stone read live:

Date: 10/26/2013
Start Time: 11:00 a.m.

Description:
 Come help raise money for the library while enjoying Harry Potter! Harry Potter enthusiasts are invited to collect pledges for pages or minutes read and either read quietly in the library or listen to the first book read aloud by a local theatre group. Participants are encouraged to bring a sleeping bag, pillow, and some snacks to stay cozy during this all day event.

Library: Briargate Branch – 9475 Briar Village Point
Location: Briargate Community Events
Contact: Michelle Archambault
Contact Number: 260-6882 

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