Everyone else did it. (See Ali, Deb, and John at right…)
Right now I’m looking for a job. Already I’ve done two interviews and two second interviews–so now it’s a foot race for who can offer me better stuff. And that sounds good, right?
Here’s the thing: None of them are the job I really want and none of them will lead me to the life I want. With either job (or both, depending on how I swing this) I don’t get to stay home with my kids, I don’t get to write bestsellers in my pajamas, I don’t have free weekends to research exotic locales for my novels, hell–my progress on my writing in general is forcibly slowed because of these jobs.
Even though it’s not a failure, and technically good for my bank account, it still feels like a failure–and an almost overwhelming failure at that. I’m beating myself up for not writing faster, getting the drafts done quicker, and putting together a synopsis and submission package–steps that would take me closer to my end goal. Now I have to do all that on top of possibly working two jobs (or one really demanding one). Menial jobs. Jobs that suck. Jobs that suck because they are not what I want. Painful months are stretching out in front of me and all I want to do is sink into the floor and cry.
While it’s not failing, “doing what you have to do” is not succeeding either. Who wants to ‘succeed’ at middle? Fuck that.
I think a lot of it has to do with attitude. Right now, I actually don’t feel like I’ve got a kick-ass-take-names attitude and that bugs me because that’s my general status quo. At the moment I’ve got a my-ass-has-been-kicked attitude that’s hard to pull out of.
Though I’m trying to keep something in mind.
Yesterday I read a profile on Tess Gerrittsen (sp?) and she said something to the effect of: “If I had not had a breadwinner and had to work, I don’t know how I would have done it (the writing career).”
One day soon I want to be able to say, after working all this and taking care of my family: “You do it like this.”
So I’m hoping the attitude comes back.